Solace In Each Other

After my flawed 1st attempt of JEE under my uncle's mentorship, I decided to take things into my own hands. I took a subscription at my favourite maths teacher and was actually excited for drop year preparation ( excited because, for the first time in 2 years, I was free from shackles of flame applied on me by my uncle. Pain of drop year seemed sweeter to me than being in his control.)

Two days before starting my batch, I got access to the group chat.i had 0 interest in interacting  until I saw kids discussing their last attempt percentiles. I decided to flex my own legendary 97% in JEE mains (yes, I was that shameless, man the audacity of flexing while being a dropper) so I left a message saying I had 97% but I am dropping an year to do good in JEE ADV.

My flex had good effect until another guy named Anshu messaged saying, "Same here, I too had 97%" and then he asked for my WhatsApp number, which I gave. He texted me there and we had a brief discussion, but I thought it would be a one-time conversation because he seemed to be in a lot of illusion. First, he said he was gonna try for under 100 in JEE ADV, (yeah, a statement that only Class 11 kids give on their 1st day of preparation.) Then he started mentioning books like Krotov, Irodov, and Bansal ( again classical IIth student behaviour.)

But then we started talking a bit more every day. Initially, it was strictly studies ranging from syllabus discussion to marks in tests. At first, he seemed very competitive but in a healthy manner. Then tests started in our coaching, both of us did good there initially until after a few tests, his marks dropped by 30 to 40 percent. And even though we saw each other as rivals we formed a soft corner for each other and started becoming real friends.

I asked him reasons for this, to which he revealed he had been going to a therapist for a few months because of his troubled past. He told me he was taking medicines to function normally, and in mid-way, he decided to stop taking them altogether, and that is what led to a drop in his performance. It was a very different scenario for me because I have never interacted with someone who was suffering from mental health issues. Anyway I tell him to just keep taking the medicine and focus on JEE. Once the paper ends, he can reduce the dose, and might even stop it altogether.

It was after this conversation that I grew more attached to him because I thought he really needs a good friend. However, I was not capable of being that; JEE sucks the energy and kindness out of you.

Time passed quickly, and we went very close to the JEE attempt. This was the most crucial point in our journey because a good performance here will ensure healthy time for May (ADVANCE attempt), while a bad one will pretty much knock a dropper out of the race.

We were both very nervous but were each other's natural support. I gave my paper on 1st feb, while he went he give his paper on the 27th. That dreaded day brought so much misery to my friend. That was the day known for having one of the highest cutoffs, and 99% benchmark score(235).

This was highest In JEE history. He scored around 160 which is decent but because of the highly inflated shift, it brought him  91 percentile. Yes, you read that right, 91, a drop of 6 percentile from his past performance after studying for 7 whole months. Obviously, he was devastated. I was in a very weird spot, I was extremely happy on my performance (99.4%)but I was heartbroken for his.

I was an aspirant myself and totally understood his situation. His parents however were in a very different mood. He blamed everything on him. They were always against his decision of drop and specially preparing in online mode. He again was depressed but I was determined to get him out of it. I told him to stop the drama and prepare for April attempt. He even after all the pressure being applied to him started again. While I was riding high in my preparation he was very under-confident. Quite a contrast to our first conversation. Time went by and there came April.

I had no interest to give paper as I already had a percentile what would fetch me CSE n my homestate but still as I had my fees paid, I decided to give paper anyway.

While Anshu was in a do-or-die situation, so I gave all the motivation I had in me to him and sent him to paper. He came back and was not giving any positive signs. Still, I was sure he would do good this time because I knew how dedicated he was in his preparation. Nearly 20 days and the result is there on my screen.

I had not an excellent but a good rank (under 10k), but the rulers of heaven were not much kind to Anshu. He, in pressure of last attempt and panic, fucked up and got 90 percentile. He dropped from 30k rank in 1st attempt(12) to 1,20,000 in drop year. My heart wrenched. I could not understand how this happened. We studied in the same coaching, had same teachers, same material, but we had hell and heaven difference in outcomes.

I thought he might take a bad step but my friend was braver and bigger than that. He decided to shoot one last arrow of BITSAT.

and prepared for it wholeheartedly. Another month and a half goes by, and after wait of 5 months, Anshu finally got blessed. He scored 305 in BITSAT, enough for CSE in  Goa and HYD and decent branch in Pilani. I was jumping in joy for him. He too was relieved to have one option. While all this was going on, JEE Advanced was very close. By this time, I had become a very anxious creature, panicking at every low score, being afraid of outcome. But Anshu supported me in all of this. He was probably the only person who saw me vulnerable to this level. He tried everything in his domain to keep me sane forever.

Even though my dreams were shattered when I got a rank of 11K  at 140 marks(year of extremely high cut off ), since I was general male, I had close to 0 options.Though I would not go on to become an IITian, I would still forever be thankful to him for being my emotional support. Advanced marked the end of our preparation journey and beginning of a new one. He filled BITS counselling.While I filled JEE’s, I was happy that at the end both of us were going to a decent place, but then something weird happened. He cut off from me for 15 days. I was obviously worried, but then I remembered his phone was in terrible condition, so I thought that must be the reason for him not answering my texts. One 16th day, I receive a text from him. I was angry at his 15 days' absence but was not at all prepared for the heartbreaking he was going to give me. He told me his father was falsely accused of sexual assault by his colleague and his salary has been stopped.

Now why did that colleague do this, you may ask? Well, just because uncle tried to expose her husband’s irresponsible behaviour. He was some kind of manager. At first, her husband tried to bribe/manipulate uncle, but he didn’t agree to be part of his crime. Hence, the couple came up with this heinous plan. Uncle fell extremely ill as all his reputation that he built all his life was gone.

Couple being local and uncle being an outsider made the situation hell for him. We talked for hours regarding the situation, and once he was comfortable, I asked him when he would be leaving for Pilani to join BITS. His answer was never. Since his father was involved in this, it was impossible for him to get his loan approved, and BITS, though one of the best Indian colleges, has a downside of having very hefty fees. I was in disbelief. How could God be this unfair? First  taking a drop, then having 2 terrible JEE attempts, then somehow making a comeback, and when things finally looked good for him, this terrible incident happened. My heart cried; I was not able to accept this unfairness, but I had to. Tears are not capable of erasing reality.

I gathered myself and asked him, "What’s next?" He told me there is a small college nearby in which his relative can provide him a seat. It was a regular tier-3 college( so no infra, no alumni, nobody apart from its students or staffs even knew about it.) I was getting flashbacks of our initial conversation—the guy went from dreaming of top IITS. to failing in mains, to acing BITS, to losing all his hardwork by luck. I told him to take care of uncle and himself as well.

He again went offline for a few days, and it was very much expected. The man was going through a lot, and he needed peace to deal with this mess.

But the absence stretched way longer than I thought. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I tried everything in my power to connect with him, but all in vain. All his contacts either showed "switched off" or were unavailable. (they had changed many SIMs to avoid being trapped.) I missed him a lot—in all the long metro rides while returning from college. I remembered telling him about my day, adding all sorts of nonsense, bitching everything. But now, he was gone. Where? In what condition? I had no idea.

One day, I managed to get an answer, but it was not from him—rather, from his older sister. I enquired about him and uncle. Didi told me the case is still ongoing but in control.

Anshu was sent to hostel, and he does not seem interested in matter of this house. I asked Didi ways to connect to him and received a phone number. I was very happy that finally after 3 months, I will be able to contact him again. Straight up, I dialed that number, busy, busy..… Did the same thing for a month only to realise I am never going to go past busy because I was blocked.

Why? I didn’t even do anything. I just wanted to be with him in his tough time like he did for me. At first, I could not see any reason why he would block me. But then I came to a conclusion that my life was now too much for him to see: tier-1 college, gf, bright future, while he had to go to a good-for-nothing factory producing papers named degree. It must be painful for him to see me, the guy who was at same position as him an year ago, now in a way better situation than he was.

I tried making peace with this, but it was not possible. I missed him. He was my support system, and I was his.

I wanted to help him beat this terrible phase. I told his story to my classmates, and every now and then, they asked me how he was doing or what he was planning to go do. But I had no answer—I would lie and make up those answers(I could not accept that we were not in contact anymore).

Three more months passed, and I started losing hope. I imagined terrible things—drugs, breakups, and even suicide. The last one seemed most probable for a guy in his situation.

One evening, I saw a notification saying, "Anshu is now on WhatsApp." Even though I was sure I was still blocked, or this number was being used by someone else in his family, I still took a chance. I sent a message. Blue tick, but no reply. My heart sank.

I went to bed and woke up late the next morning. I checked my phone—two notifications. I thought it must be a good morning message from my girlfriend, but no—it was from Anshu. At first, I was nervous, but I opened the chat and read the message.

I was not ready for what Anshu had sent me

“I want to start by saying how deeply sorry I am for the confusion and hurt I may have caused you. I've been struggling with split personality disorder since last 5 years and unfortunately, it affected our interactions.

I'm ashamed to admit that I unintentionally presented myself as a guy during our conversations, despite being a girl. I can only imagine how confusing and frustrating this must have been for you.

Please know that my intention was never to deceive or mislead you. My disorder can cause fragmented thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, leading to inconsistent interactions. It had even lead to me living at a stranger's place unknowingly.

The JEE phase had been frustrating and overwhelming as well. To overcome this , the doctors suggested to do whatever gives you peace.

I used to find solace in our conversations. I sincerely apologise.”

By the length of it, I thought it was his sister sending me his suicide note, but no—this was a whole different situation.

She told me it was impossible for her to take the burden of this lie any longer. In guilt of what she had done, she decided she would never contact me again. She never thought we would get this close, but we were both vulnerable and found solace in each other. One thing led to another, and a whole relationship was built on the foundation of a lie.

Even though I was in no situation to speak, I had many questions and needed answers. I had waited for six long months and was not going to let my chance for closure slip away. I asked her, "Why lie about gender?"

She answered, "I asked you about boys and girls' friendship, and you said it was impossible for them to remain friends (I had firm  belief that sooner or later, one of them would fall in love, and it would wreak havoc). I didn’t want to lose you, so I pretended to be a guy.

And she said, "I never had any true friends. It was unimaginable for me to have a person who did not stop searching for me even after six months of cutting-off. I thought you would forget me in a few months."

"Forget you? You were my best friend in my toughest times. You supported me in my most vulnerable phase. How could I ever forget you? I was going to get your college database hacked to find your contact."

She said, "I am a criminal to you. You can curse me as much as you want and block me forever, but I cannot live in the regret of keeping you in the dark anymore."

I replied, "I can never curse you nor block you. Male or female, hindu or muslim, brahmin or dalit—we had a relationship beyond all parameters. You were and are an important part of my life. Your lie did not hurt me as much as your cutting-off did. You should have told me the truth—I would rather have you as a girl than not have you at all.

She said she was ashamed and thought she did not deserve me.

If you don't deserve my friendship, I don't know who does.

"Can we still remain friends? Is there a flicker of hope?"

"Of course, but you have to promise not to ever lie again to me."

"I swear, apart from my gender, I was always honest with you. My family was as responsible for this as I was. They promoted my wrongdoing, thinking it would make me happy. To a large extent, it did, but it also left me with a lifetime guilt of cheating my closest friend. I thought I might take this to the grave, but I could not bear keeping you in the dark anymore. I am really sorry.

I asked her to stop apologising, and then I started remembering all the things I told her when she pretended to be a guy, and some of it now made me feel disgusted. Anyway, all of the shock and pain of the cutting-off was overthrown by the happiness of seeing him—oops—her breathing(yes I was sure dumbass is dead). I told her I would need some time to get comfortable with this big change, and she was alright with that.

I could not sleep for a few nights after this. The fact that people go to this extent just for a genuine friend was heart-wrenching. For me, I finally managed to sleep peacefully after I realised that at least my friend was alive and healed to a large extent and was comfortable of being her true self in front of me(she was made feel unwanted and inferior by terrible people she was surrounded with all her life).

” Your loyalty changed my perspective toward friendship” this statement took all my anger away and I felt proud and satisfied of being a part of the long and painful journey of her being healed.